 HOME PHOTOS 1 PHOTOS 2 PHOTOS 3 PHOTOS 4 PHOTOS 5 PHOTOS 6 PHOTOS 7 PHOTOS 8 PHOTOS 9 PHOTOS 10 PHOTOS 11 PHOTOS 12 ACRONYMS POETRY VIDEO QUOTES DMH REPORT INVENTORY |
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XXXXX FRIDAY FEBRUARY 3, 2012 20:13:22 PST XXXXX FLASH TeamDoyle.org domain seized by ICE- HSI SAIC NYO STOP Warrant issued by United States District Court NY STOP Suspected Women with Water Weenies© copyrighted content infringement STOP The horror STOP Say it aint so Barack, say it aint so...STOP END ----------------------------------------------------------- Filed by DMH Reports are moved when circumstances warrant http://www.teamdoyle.org/news.htm for updates © DMH REPORT 2012 |
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Stunning news! Reliable sources have informed this reporter that there is a deeper more sinister reason that Joe V, aka BJ or Big Joe, asked to be removed from the coveted TDList. It was disclosed to me, that the Dwight Crumb Committee of the Beach Cities Health District is preparing to strip BJ of his official time in this years P2P. Secret ultra long range Homeland Security video conclusively revealed that the Verbruggester blatantly broke the rules, by competing in strictly forbidden ridiculous looking flowery baggies and a rash guard, in the proud and highly competitive non-wetsuit division. To compound matters, it is clear that he also was not wearing the required brightly colored bathing cap. This egregious flaunting of BCHD Health & Safety Regulations will demand immediate strippage of his time, toute-de-suite!!! Say it aint so Joe, say it aint so! News has also leaked that KJD will soon nominate BJ for the infamous AAVIC McCheatin Award... Developing story... X X X X ----------------------------------------------------------- Filed by DMH Reports are moved when circumstances warrant http://www.teamdoyle.org/news.htm for updates © DMH REPORT 2011 |
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THURSDAY FEBRUARY 18, 2010 21:17:13 PST XXXXX Blobfish invades South Bay! STOP Looks suspiciously like someone we know. STOP Thousands wash ashore. STOP The horror. STOP Developing story... X X X X ----------------------------------------------------------- DMH Report brought to you by the good folks at ObamaCard Gold. |
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Just when we thought the swimming speedsuit controversy was over, those diabolical Japanese have thrown the swimming world into a tizzy, by introducing the new Ruddersuit™, and Bulletswimcap™. World records have been falling left, right, and center, and the French have cried fowl, and threaten to take the matter to the IOC rules committee, or the UN or something... Meanwhile, the Norwegians have announced that the suit has won the Nobel Prize in Costume Design. In other news, President Obama has stated that the USOC will allow the Ruddersuit and Bulletswimcap to be used in the 2016 Olympic games in Chicago, but is unsure about the use of the new Michael Jackson Memorial Speedglove™. Also, it has been rumored that Team Doyle namesake JD has inked a lucrative contract with SpeedoSenior, to model the new suits in their upcoming print campaign. When informed of this development, Total Farker JellyBean was heard to scream- "my eyes, my eyes". Developing story... X X X X ----------------------------------------------------------- DMH Report brought to you by the good folks at ObamaCard Gold. "Join The Unlimited Spending Fun" 
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DMH here, back on the beat. My Midwestern sources have recently relayed to me a report so bizarre and so disturbing, that I've been forced to end my self imposed retirement from this sordid news biz, to bring you the real story. Very reliable information has surfaced on my desk, showing that while Team Doyle member Jim Malina was purported to be on a recent seasonal tour of Ohio swimming facilities, he was actually engaging in the illegal and highly dangerous extreme sport of snow snorkeling! As a front to cover his illicit activities, J-Mal had given team members a convincing story about participating in workouts at the North Olmsted Ohio Recreation Complex. When questioned about Malina, the swim complex director, Festus York, 73, said he remembered "Jimbo" from way back, but hadn't seen him in many years. Also lending credence to the story is a report from the Southwest Ohio General Health Center Emergency Room. It states that a man matching Malina's description, one "Jonathan Doe" from Toelance (sic) CA, was treated for frostbite symptoms of the groin, on January 1, 2009 at 2:15 a.m. The report goes on to state that alcohol may have been involved in the incident. I've heard of cold water weenage regression before, but this looks too ridiculous for even this old hard-bitten cold water surfer to bear. Developing... X X X X ----------------------------------------------------------- Filed by DMH Reports are moved when circumstances warrant http://www.teamdoyle.org/news.htm for updates © DMH REPORT 2009 |
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Local blogs and swim chat rooms have been abuzz for weeks over the rumoured impending demise of Team Doyle founder and mascot JD. First it was the much discussed suspicious retirement, and his moving to that arch-conservative enclave known as Leisure World - located in the heart of John Birch Country. Then there were whispers of the return of the dreaded burning crotch injury, or something worse... And of course, the new tattoo. These were soon followed by rumors of double vision, abscesses, and mysterious implants. One knowledgeable source even went so far as to intimate that JD has not swam a lap "in a coons age", and was not long for the pool. But my inside source has informed me that all of these developments were just a clever disinformation campaign, designed to divert attention away from Doyle's secret seven-figure modeling contract with swimwear giant Speedo! My source says that the reason JD hasn't swam a lap, is because he wanted to "bulk up" for his photo sessions. Apparently, the shots are in the can, and Speedo is rolling out the billboard & magazine ads. The horror. Developing... X X X X ----------------------------------------------------------- Filed by DMH Reports are moved when circumstances warrant http://www.teamdoyle.org/news.htm for updates © DMH REPORT 2006 |
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Local swimmer Martin de Blois causes international incident in China after taking wrong turn while swimming The Yang-Tze! Local onlooker astonished that anyone would swim in that cesspool sans wetsuit in the dead of winter... Developing... X X X X ----------------------------------------------------------- Filed by DMH Reports are moved when circumstances warrant http://www.teamdoyle.org/news.htm for updates © DMH REPORT 2004 |
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XXXXX DMH REPORT XXXXX THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2003 01:10:29 PT XXXXX JD 61 CROTCH INJURY REVEALED! Reliable word on the beach says that the Bleached Reporter will reveal shocking photos of John Doyle's long rumored crotch injury in its special Thursday Birthday Issue. If these very disturbing photos are real, and not some Fark.com photoshop , it will go a long way towards explaining this years stunning pier to pier results. In a controversy that has still not died down, Mo defeated the favored JD by up to 5 minutes on some clocks - an outcome that caused many Heavy Southern Italian Types (Vegas Kingpin Joey Martino) to loose a bundle on the action. Doyle's groin injury is said to be so severe, that the Government Witness Protection Program has given him a new super secret Chinese name: "Wun-Hung-Lo" Well, at least they haven't receded! Here's hoping that we're all that STUDLY at 61... Developing injuries... X X X X ----------------------------------------------------------- Filed by DMH Reports are moved when circumstances warrant http://www.teamdoyle.org/news.htm for updates © DMH REPORT 2003 XXXXX DMH REPORT XXXXX THURSDAY, JULY 17, 2003 20:10:29 PT XXXXX SUPPLEMENTAL VIG GETS JD IN WARM WATER 74! Word out of the Bally's Sports Book on The Strip, is that certain East Coast Types are laying down some heavy action on this years pier to pier. Especially heavy is the over-under action on the JD vs Mo time trials. One especially menacing individual was heard to say: "Dat shylock JD - whats this beef about some crotch injury? Maybe he needs a counceling session. He don't know what he's talking about. This is our vig here. Da meat eater! You don't go messin there in the first place, capeesh?. But he betta listen up, or he'll be sleepin with da fishes instead of cachin em." Developing problem... X X X X ----------------------------------------------------------- Filed by DMH Reports are moved when circumstances warrant http://www.teamdoyle.org/news.htm for updates © DMH REPORT 2003 XXXXX DMH REPORT XXXXX THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2003 21:12:29 PT XXXXX SUPPLEMENTAL The MC pool is dark for a month, so I decided to go for a spin this eve at the gym. Got my 10 miles in, and the usual 20 minute runners high. (damn those 20 something girls are strong!) But on the swimming front, the news is: the GALS are back!!! Reliable sources have informed me that Julie (bad knee & all), and Maureen, put in a stealth 1250 lunchtime workout at SportCenter on Wednesday. The rumor is, that they are both gunning for JD in the PTP. The smart money is betting that JD will have to be on acid, if he wants to throw a no-hitter against these two determined athletes... http://cba.website-works.com/jcba18g.html On a darker note, I am receiving disturbing reports that JD's recent incomprehensible screed against Fish and the President, is just the tip of the iceberg. Sinister whisperings of genetic engineering, transplants, and the Evil Axis are filtering in...Dan Rather is sniffing around... Does anyone else find it unusual, that no one has seen him in recent days? Developing... X X X X ----------------------------------------------------------- Filed by DMH Reports are moved when circumstances warrant http://www.teamdoyle.org/news.htm for updates © DMH REPORT 2003
XXXXX DMH REPORT XXXXX THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2003 23:45:29 ET XXXXX MISSING SWIMMERS WORKING ON AXIS OF POODLES! As we speak, reliable sources are informing me that the true reason certain Team Doyle members are nowhere to be seen, is because they are hard at work on The Axis of Poodles V2.01c! I found this hard to believe, as version 1.0 was horrible enough, but there seems to be credible photographic evidence. The horror, the horror... This would go a long way towards explaining those mysterious "spasms" and "poetry readings". There are also rumors that PETA activists have begun picketing JD's house, screaming something about "cheese eating surrender monkeys". I don't know about you guys, but that looks like one very pissed-off pussy to me... Developing .. err, story... X X X X ----------------------------------------------------------- Filed by DMH Reports are moved when circumstances warrant http://www.teamdoyle.org/news.htm for updates © DMH REPORT 2003 XXXXX DMH REPORT XXXXX TUESDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2002 10:10:29 PT XXXXX KIKKOMAN-MON AND CAT TO SAVE JACK Inscrutable Oriental Sources have informed me that in response to the heartbreaking photos of JB on the street, President Bush has asked our allies to dispatch Kikkoman-mon to protect our down & out friend. The Berkeley City Council is said to be organizing a massive protest. Fishy...Developing story... X X X X ----------------------------------------------------------- Filed by DMH Reports are moved when circumstances warrant http://www.teamdoyle.org/news.htm for updates © DMH REPORT 2002
XXXXX DMH REPORT XXXXX SUNDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2002 22:23:29 PT XXXXX JACK OFF, DOWN, OUT, WIRED! In a shocking development, I am sad to report that Team Doyle founding member JB appears to be homeless. His website has described the recent layoff, and subsequent job search, but this reporter had no idea that the situation had become this dire. One should have known that something was up, when TeamDoyle.org was down, for weeks on end. Reliable sources have informed me that on Thursday, the Bleached Reporter is set to publish heartbreaking photos of Jelly Bean in his digital bum shelter on the street. Enquiring minds can't help but wonder if this distressing outcome is the result of JB's recent flirtation with the horrible frozen nipple needle of death. (DMH REPORT TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2002 23:45:29 ET) And why hasn't the buxom mistress, Julie, taken JB into her fabulous new 5 bedroom pleasure palace in Huntington? Growing storm clouds...lets hope JB has a good ground on his server stack...DEVELOPING... X X X X ----------------------------------------------------------- Filed by DMH Reports are moved when circumstances warrant http://www.teamdoyle.org/news.htm for updates © DMH REPORT 2002
XXXXX DMH REPORT XXXXX TUESDAY, FRIDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2002 18:45:29 PT XXXXX DOYLE STICKS OLD CODGER! It has been learned that Doyle and Fergie (Tim) put in 1,800 off-season yards at ESH last weekend. Reliable sources have informed me that: "Doyle had to fight off an angry old local geezer that is protective of "his" pool." Didn't the old coot know that an ol' cowboy like JD can get quite "prickly" when his manhood is questioned? Growing story...DEVELOPING... X X X X ----------------------------------------------------------- Filed by DMH Reports are moved when circumstances warrant http://www.teamdoyle.org/news.htm for updates © DMH REPORT 2002 XXXXX DMH REPORT XXXXX TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2002 23:45:29 ET XXXXX
JELLY BEAN GETS POKED, DOYLE DANGLES! Reliable sources have informed me that since his recent snippage, Team Doyle member JB has developed a rather kinky taste for painful experiences. My contacts are saying that on Thursday, the Sleazy Reader is set to print this shocking photo of Jack's latest run-in with the needle. When confronted with the evidence, JB spilled the beans... "It's not about S&M at all, its about patriotism, and honoring Team Doyle. And besides, John gave me a hell of a deal on the jewelry." Developing infection...er, story... X X X X ----------------------------------------------------------- Filed by DMH Reports are moved when circumstances warrant © DMH REPORT 2002 XXXXX DMH REPORT XXXXX TUESDAY, AUGUST 13, 2002 19:45:29 ET XXXXX DOYLE MAKES GOOGLE, KICK BUTT!!! It has quietly come to my attention, that amidst all the furor surrounding the recent pier to pier strum and drang, Team Doyle's posterior has caught the attention of the intrepid Google spider... Developing story... more to come...  X X X X ----------------------------------------------------------- Filed by DMH Reports are moved when circumstances warrant © DMH REPORT 2002 XXXXX DMH REPORT XXXXX THURSDAY, AUGUST 9, 2000 18:45:29 PT XXXXX
WALLS DOPES BLOOD, ROBS FISH, CUTS CHEESE! Once again, rumors of questionable practices have surfaced during an athletic event in the South Bay. Sources tell me that County Lifeguards and officials at The Beach Cities Health District are looking into allegations that Matt Walls is involved in possible illegal blood sugar doping, courtesy of his friends at the Tour de France. Either Limburger, or the illegal stamina-boosting substance erythropoietin (EPO), could explain why Walls was able to eek out such a narrow victory in the race with Fish, for the Bronze medal, at the recent Dwight Crumb/Velzy-Stevens/John Doyle combined Pier to Pier Swim/Paddleboard Race. See complete results at very bottom of this page. Other sources tell me that Walls was definitely under the influence of Limburger. While it has not yet been officially banned by the IOC/BCHD, Limburger would go a long way towards explaining Walls superhuman time of 17:49 in the paddle event, and his subsequent collapse in the swim leg. Quoted an insider: "When I saw Matt after the event, he was staggering around and falling in the sand- just like a man crashing from a Limburger jag. He was shaking so bad, he had a hard time taking his post race shower." Those in the know, say that Fish is no flounder- but is just too big of a man to file an official protest. On the other hand, word has it that JD is incensed- "I won't let no stinking cheese spoil our pier to pier!" Ripening story... X X X X ----------------------------------------------------------- Filed by DMH Reports are moved when circumstances warrant © DMH REPORT 2001 XXXXX DMH REPORT XXXXX THURSDAY, AUGUST 9, 2000 18:45:29 PT XXXXX
DMH MAKES COVER! Reputable sources have informed me that The Bleached Reporter will on Thursday publish a full color photo of Team Doyle member DMH on the cover of their weekly edition. The photo was taken during the infamous 650 person mass start, to this years Dwight Crumb Pier to Pier Swim. The photo clearly shows your reporter in his O'Neill board shorts and safety-pink cap, with his truck driver tan very evident, and his chest wig wildly flapping in the breeze. There have been allegations made, that DMH was wearing illegal equipment during the race. It is unclear if any possible flotation advantage in the O'Neill's is canceled out by additional drag and/or ballooning/bubbles. (not the chimp) When asked for comment, DMH asserted that he was just protecting his assets from the icy sea, and that board shorts do not a wetsuit make. County lifeguards and officials at The Beach Cities Health District have yet to make a ruling, and were unavailable for comment. "We're betting around here, that JD will file an official protest," said an insider. Developing story... X X X X ----------------------------------------------------------- Filed by DMH Reports are moved when circumstances warrant © DMH REPORT 2001 XXXXX DMH REPORT XXXXX TUESDAY, AUGUST 7, 2001 15:45:29 PT XXXXX FISH NICKS DOYLE! In one of the closest finishes in recent history, Iron Man Steve Fisher edged out JD by one second in the 10th Annual John Doyle Swimming® Dwight Crum Pier to Pier Swim. Complete results are published here In other highlights, Joe blew away the competition, posting a 50:25, while Gary came in under an hour, and Tom Weede bested your faithful reporter by a mere unlucky 13 seconds... Vic was suffering from overtraining and injury, while JB (AKA sex-machine-bean) exhibited a mysterious lack of energy. Putting in yeoman like performances despite severe jet lag, were John Weede, Greg G., and Julie & Richard. After the race, Fergie was taken to the hospital again... Developing story... X X X X ----------------------------------------------------------- Filed by DMH Reports are moved when circumstances warrant © DMH REPORT 2001 XXXXX DMH REPORT XXXXX SUNDAY, JULY 29, 2001 19:45:29 ET XXXXX
DOYLE AND VIC IN TITANIC STRUGGLE AT BEACH One week before the annual pier to pier swim, tensions between JD and Vic have reached the boiling point! Reputable sources have informed me that The Bleached Reporter will publish photos on Thursday of a clash between the two, which allegedly took place at the Hermosa Beach pier on Sunday morning. Apparently, Vic could no longer stand the constant unsubstantiated allegations of cheating made by Doyle. Also unsubstantiated, are disturbing rumors that Vic has been taking HGH - but use of the hormone would go a long way towards explaining the massive weight gain that Vic has shown over the past several weeks. County Lifeguards and officials at The Beach Cities Health District were unavailable for comment. "Keep your eye on the race start," said an insider. Developing story... X X X X ----------------------------------------------------------- Filed by DMH Reports are moved when circumstances warrant © DMH REPORT 2001 Lifeguards pick up swimmer Doyle, manage small craft 'chaos' Hermosa Beach CA, September 14, 2000 By DMH
The siren song of the USS Elliot proved irresistible for one U.S. veteran who, failing to secure a shuttle boat ticket, swam out to the destroyer in the fog, wearing skimpy speedo swim trunks and eyeglasses on a string around his neck. "The fog rolled in and we never saw him go out," said Los Angeles County Lifeguard Capt. Bob Moore, who works in Hermosa. "Apparently the tickets sold out Sunday morning, and he saw the ship and he just had to get out there." John Doyle, who appeared to be in his 70s or 80s, made it to the Elliot, where Navy personnel deemed him not strong enough to swim back to shore. They also complained that his booming voice was disturbing sailors from the night watch, who were trying to get some sleep. "Steve Fisher called 911 from a cell phone that he borrowed from a kayaker, which gets the Highway Patrol," Moore said. "The Highway Patrol called us and said, 'Do you guys have a big ship in trouble out there somewhere?'" Lifeguards then contacted a Redondo Beach Harbor Patrol vessel, which went out to the Elliot and picked up the swimmer. Doyle kept the lifeguards entertained with tales from his latest fishing trip. "The surf was so small they just dropped him at the surf line. I watched him swim to shore using an elementary backstroke, and when I saw him come out of the water with skimpy speedo swim trunks, and his glasses around his neck, I thought, 'Oh man, we were lucky,'" Moore said. "He wasn't your usual pier-to-pier swimmer," Moore added. When asked why he was swimming the elementary backstroke on his sojourn to the Elliot, Doyle launched into a long narrative about shoulder surgery, his ailing knees, and trying to beat someone named Fergie in the Pier to Pier Swim. Lifeguards spent much of the weekend aboard the Baywatch rescue boat, trying to control the awkward mix of Doyle, small boats, kayaks and paddleboards, swarming Elliot. "It was nerve wracking for us because the swimmer, kayaks and paddlers were out farther than they're usually allowed, and we were busy trying to prevent collisions. We had a couple of close calls, but luckily we had no collisions or drownings," Moore said. "So I guess it was organized chaos out there." Still and all, the presence of Elliot magnetized the lifeguards as it did the rest of Hermosa. "For us it was an attractive nuisance in one sense. But most people did the right thing, trying to get out there," Moore said. "It was a real morale booster having such an impressive piece of equipment off our shores." Return to Top HOME PHOTOS 1 PHOTOS 2 PHOTOS 3 PHOTOS 4 PHOTOS 5 PHOTOS 6 PHOTOS 7 PHOTOS 8 PHOTOS 9 PHOTOS 10 PHOTOS 11 PHOTOS 12 ACRONYMS POETRY VIDEO QUOTES DMH REPORT INVENTORY |
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